RV Humor

Nothing like some light humor to lighten the burdens of the day. Take time to kiss the wife, hug the kids, and share a laugh...

Technical Upgrade at Home
Women Drivers	The Senior Driver
The Good Ol' Days	Obnoxious Camping
Things Aren't Always What They Seem	So You Think Gas Is Expensive...
The Procrastinator's Creed	NPR
Onan Secretary Not Working	Kids and God
Mistaken Identify	Ask And Ye Shall Receive
One Liner's Not To Use With Police	Ode To An RV Parts Salesman

Technical Upgrade:

To: Technical Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.-I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Women Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. Alarmed, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh dear, am I driving?"

So you think gas is expensive...

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 equals $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 equals $ 10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 equals $ 10.00 per gallon
Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 equals $12.72 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 equals $ 33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 equals $ 178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $ 84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9oz for $1.49 equals $ 21.19 per gallon....$21.19 FOR WATER!!
You get the idea??

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!

The Procrastinator’s Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though small, is not exactly zero.
If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I obey the law of inverse excuses - The greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

And finally...
I will become a member of the ancient and venerable Procrastinator’s if they ever get around to getting it organized.

Ode to an RV Parts Salesman

I work behind the counter
In an RV service store
Sometimes I’m called a genius
Sometimes I’m called much more.

I claim I’m no technician
Yet when the job goes sick
The technician comes to me and asks:
"What makes this darn thing tick?"

I’m supposed to know the numbers
Of bolts and nuts and gears
For every darn RV
That’s made for forty years.

I’m an engineer and machinist
And what not, oh my Lord!
I’m supposed to be an Edison
Combined with Henry Ford.

But life would be a pleasure
And I’d grin from ear to ear
If only the customer would tell me
The model, make and year!!!!!!

Things aren’t always what they seem

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem.

"The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "How could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

The Senior Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Hwy. #1. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Herman, "It’s not just one car Mabel, it’s hundreds of them!"

NPR

An RVer who had been listening intently to NPR on his radio regarding the presidential election mess was coming up on an accident scene on an Interstate and turned on his CB to hear any information he could about it. A semi-truck had ran off the road, went down an embankment and ended up in a brush pile before a tree line. The only thing the RVer heard was some truckers chuckling to each other saying, "Now, it looks like that poor fellow there couldn't stay out of the bushes".

One Liner's NOT to use when pulled over in your motor home by the police

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I pay your salary!

6. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

7.Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

8. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other motorhomes around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

9. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"--

Onan "Secretary" not Working

A RVer called Pete's shop requesting an appointment for work on his Onan generator. Pete asked him what the problem was, the man told him he wasn't sure but knew his secretary wasn't working properly. Pete perplexed by his wordage ask if he could explain a little further what he meant by "secretary".

The man replied, "Well, I think you might call it the "governor", but I call it the "secretary".

"Why is that?" asked Pete.

"Well", the man replied with a chuckle, "cause my secretary won't register any volts".--

Kids and God

A collection of stories heard by RVer's attending church while on the road:

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

*****

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

*****

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother walking down the sidewalk, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen,"

*****

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..."

*****

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother while entering church for the noon service what he had learned in Sunday School that morning. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

*****

A child after Sunday School told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

*****

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Ask and ye shall receive:

A RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

Mistaken identity

A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a recently arrived camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

Yet when the camper approached the animal, it began snarling and growling, and then attacked his legs. After pulling away from the crazed animal, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The RVer muttered, "Ain't my dog."

The good ol' days

A couple of elderly RVers who'd recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Airstream motorhome, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk toward the rear of the motorhome.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Obnoxious Camping

Being a truly obnoxious camper is a delicate art, relying on careful planning and orchestration. The rules are as follows:

Make your entrance to the campground fashionably late, preferably after10:00 pm., when there is no available light and everyone else is asleep.
Drive around the entire campground with your brights on so you can inspect each potential campsite fully, and so campers can make shadow puppets inside their tent if they want. Feel free to idle your engine at high RPM for long periods while you and your family carefully weigh the merits of each site, including those which are already taken.
If you have a boat, camper, motor home or other vehicle that blocks your rear view, always back into your parking space. Again, take your time, preferably having someone in your party stand behind the vehicle, shouting directions at the driver. Keep at it until you get it exactly right, grinding your reverse gear, revving your engine and spinning your tires in the gravel as needed.
If things take longer than you planned, which they probably will, swear a lot. This is, after all, the country. Do it loudly, leaning out your open window and with all the gusto you can muster. And don't forget the kids. It will ease the tension for everyone if you get them to cry.
Pump and pump that lantern for all your worth (skip the directions, you can't see them anyway), then throw in a lit match and enjoy the majesty of your very own atomic blast. Keep the valve completely open, so your campsite will serve as a beacon for other campers who may be lost, dis-oriented or under the impression they were sleeping comfortably.
Pack a tent that uses metal poles. Plastic poles just don't clang loudly enough when you throw the sack of them on the ground, trip over them and kick them out of the way.
Be sure someone in your party is either: a) drunk and obnoxious; b) ill with bronchitis, emphysema or some other lung affliction that produces a loud hacking cough; c) tired and under the age of four, or d) all of the above.
Hours later, when you have set up and fully decorated your campsite with hummingbird feeders, lawn chairs, Japanese lanterns and your newly made walking sticks, zip and unzip all the sleeping bags and tent vigorously four or five times each to ensure proper functioning for the night.
Have a radio playing - a simple boom box or car radio will do. If the signal is weak, and there is a lot of crackle, you can always turn up the volume.
And last but not least...
Plan to have your entire party sleep late. There is always a family somewhere nearby with small children who rise and begin their day at the crack of dawn. They'd like to eat their granola bars and drop by to play trampoline on your tent. While their parents sip espresso and watch.